Dearest Brother,
I know the news of my relationship status has already reached you, and I apologize if it came as somewhat of a shock. My bae and I had hoped to keep things casual and under the radar for as long as possible since neither of us wanted to deal with the fallout of our decision, but at this point in our relationship, there’s just no avoiding it any longer.
You see, Bowser and I are in love.
Honestly, if you told me a few months ago that a giant green turtle monster who has a murderous hatred for my brother would turn out to be the love of my life, I would have laughed at the absurdity. Even now it still feels unbelievable, but here we are.
Before you go searching for the fire flower, I just want to share our story. We’re happy, and I think at this point I deserve to be. You’ve always been the star of the show, and me your loyal sidekick. I deserve to be the hero at least once.
Although, to me, it’s Bowser that’s the hero. We met not long after my latest venture into that haunted mansion. Plumbing was never really my strong suit, and I’ve learned I have an aptitude for exorcism–another strange twist my life has taken.
But getting back to the point, I had just defeated another of the mansion’s dead denizens when I was ambushed by a group of Boos. I was so terrified that I felt I’d surely perish, but then came Bowser like a green tornado made of fire. It turns out he was merely looking for a way to blow off some steam after Princess Peach refused his latest marriage proposal, with the intent of burning this haunted mansion to the ground. Instead, he found me.
Bowser and I… well, we’d certainly heard of each other, but we’d never really met. Not like this. Not just the two of us and not with an angry red-capped plumber there to stomp him into the ground. There was surprise but no animosity. He offered me a hand, and I took it. He was so gentle. And when my fingers touched his scaly palm, there was that sort of electric spark that you just can’t define in words.
I’d hate to describe myself as the rebound boyfriend, but Bowser was truly needed a shoulder to cry on. He’d been chasing Peach for years, and her stringing him along with just allowing herself to be kidnapped over and over again made the breakup so much worse for him. He’d decided the last time was enough, but the grief for him was real. I honestly felt sorry for him.
But then things got better. Bowser stopped talking about Peach and started asking about me. I helped him realize there was more to life than royalty–there was just honest fun too. Then it was walks along the Twilight Trail, hikes up Cool Cool Mountain, and trips to the Secret Aquarium. I even taught him my special lasagna recipe.
He proposed last night. It was then we decided there was just no hiding it any longer. You can’t marry a king without the news getting out.
I hope to have your blessing, but I understand if you’re not ready. A lifetime of rivalry can be hard to get over. I just hope that you can attend the wedding without jumping out of your seat and declaring vengeance. For me, please.
Your little bro forever,
Luigi “Weegi” Mario
P.S. Try to break the news gently to mom and dad. I don’t think they’d understand our love, as unconventional as it is.
